Terror in Brooklyn
Friday night I get the following call from Veronica:V: "Uhhh, I have a crisis here"
Me: "Oh no! What's going on? Are you ok?"
V: "Not really..."
Me: "What happened?"
V: "So... there's a squirrel in my bedroom."
Me: "Hahaha. Are you kidding?"
V: "No dude, there's a SQUIRREL in my BEDROOM!"
As soon as I could stop laughing I went over there. Sarah (who had arrived moments before me) and I armed ourselves with a broom and a saucepan and entered her bedroom. It was messy but we knew better than to blame wildlife for that. There was no sign of a squirrel anywhere. We made some noise to draw the alleged rodent out. Nothing happened.
Feeling rather bold by now I shoved the broom under her bed and started swishing it around. The next thing I know, a huge and incredibly fast moving squirrel shoots out from under her bed, runs a couple of frantic circles on top of the pile of clothes covering Veronica's floor and charges at us! Needless to say, both Sarah and I lost all courage or self-control at this point and started shrieking with unadulterated terror, banging into each other like cartoon characters as we made for the door. I realize how ridiculously unscary a squirrel is but when it's rabidly running straight at you at 50 miles an hour in a confined space it's a whole other matter...
Once we started breathing again, stopped laughing and got Veronica down from the sofa we started calling 311, Animal Control, City Hall, exterminators, my vet and anyone else we could think of. We were either getting no one to pick up or some rather annoyed people who didn't seem to take us very seriously.
Finally the proverbial lighbulb turned on above my head: "Firemen get cats out of trees! Why not a squirrel out of your bedroom?"
So I called the fire department:
Me: "Hi. I have a small issue I need help with. There is a squirrel in my friend's bedroom and we were hoping you guys could help."
Operator: "Have you tried calling Animal Control?"
Me: "Yes, but no one's picking up."
Operator: "Well, I'm not sure how I can help you."
Me: "Could you maybe send someone here?"
Operator: "M'aam, we don't do that..."
Me: "But you get cats out of trees!"
Operator: "Uh, no m'aam, we don't actually do that. I can't dispatch a fire brigade to you for this."
Finally she suggested that if we go ask the firemen in person they might agree to help.
So we set off to the fire station a few blocs away. We felt a bit foolish, especially Veronica, who had been ambushed by the squirrel in her underwear and was wearing the only clothes she could find: Dan's 15 sizes too big pajamas. Maybe we looked too funny to ignore. Maybe the story was ridiculous enough. Or maybe the firemen were simply bored on a rainy Friday night. But they agreed to come. Fire engine and all. All six or seven of them.
Two of them, the fire chief and a rookie, came upstairs. They banged around in Veronica's bedroom for a bit and came out. The captain says: "It's dead. I smashed its skull with your laptop. Haha, just kidding! We chased it back out the window. Now you, miss, [he points at Veronica] come in here please."
"You might not want to leave your underthings all over the place if you're going to have a bunch of men in your bedroom."
"And [he points to her ashtray] are you the smoker? Yes? Do you think that's a good idea? No, I didn't think so either."
I'm not sure which was greater, Veronica's shock at having been terrorized by a peanut loving mammal or being lectured by a fire chief standing in the middle of her bedroom. Either way, I was finding it hilarious and wanted to capture the moment for posterity. I asked him he he minded me taking a picture. He agreed with much more excitement than I expected and bounced on her bed: "How about this?"
"Wanna try this on?" he said and handed his helmet to Veronica.
He let us all try it on as we came to realize that it's all fun and games until...
... a fireman tries to eat your face.
He also made the rookie get on the bed and pose with us. Something about how the "young 'un had never been with a woman" and how the boys at the station would love this. We figured what the hell, this is some seriously funny shit, why not?
Then they left and I checked my camera. Turns out that last picture hadn't turned out. They were halfway down the stairs by now but the chief had his heart set on doing the job right and ordered the guy to come back for a re-shoot:
So there you have it. Most ridiculous Friday night EVER!
Many thanks to the FDNY, Jimmy, Mikey (not kidding, those were their real names) and of course the squirrel for the best entertainment (zero) money can buy. Though now I'm not so sure I want that fire truck showing up again even if my house happens to actually be on fire...
posted by galipette @ 12:57 AM
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